A picture of being a mother to twins…

2017-02-06_0001Photo by the talented Jessica Dingledy Photography 
I remember it like it was yesterday. We were at a bar, any bar… hanging out with friends, drinking beers, laughing and having a good time! I didn’t know it then but apparently those days we had endless time on our hands! These days I find myself with little time on my hands and am lucky if I can get a shower.
I’ve decided to write up a little blog since I’m now obviously an expert on being a mom (sarcasm)…This is (my) life as a mother, and this is (my) life with twins!
 2017-02-06_0003Photo by the talented Jessica Dingledy Photography 
The first two months are completely overwhelming.  Nobody tells you all the highs AND lows you’ll experience…no one talks about the dark times you’ll no doubt experience as a new mom. The times when you feel like you are failing at everything – being a good mom and a good wife- so you find yourself sobbing wondering how you’ll make it through this period of life where you need to give so much of yourself but feel like you have nothing left to give…
the times when you’ll feel like a shell of the woman you once were. I wasn’t expecting that you might grieve the old life you had, or miss how things used to be with your husband and in some small place in your heart wish that you could go back… to when it was just the two of you. Nobody tells you just how awful you will feel for that thought even entering your mind for just one second. Mom guilt, it’s real people.
 2017-02-06_0002Photo by the talented Jessica Dingledy Photography 
 As a mother of twins, things are even more complex- even with helping hands (praises to my family!!!), you still feel like you aren’t doing enough. How can you be the mother they both need so badly right now? How can you not feel like you are neglecting one of them when both of them are crying and you can’t tend to them both? You question even more why God chose you to entrust with two infants. You question if you can do it, if you are strong enough, if you’ll ever simply BE enough.

 2017-02-06_0007Photo by the talented Jessica Dingledy Photography 

 

But then, nobody tells you (or maybe they do but you can’t understand) how the joy and love you thought you knew the depths of before were so far from being discovered, and how a moment can seem like a lifetime and also escape you so quickly.
Mostly nobody tells you how you will become a whole entire new person. Your relationships will take new shape and you WILL in fact survive. Eventually your new role as a mom will be the new you. You won’t even realize it until someone comes to visit and tells you what a natural you are and somehow that’s when it clicks. “I’m a mom”, you think… I’m finally starting to get the hang of this thing!
 2017-02-06_0009Photo by the talented Jessica Dingledy Photography 
Things that in have found to be true so far:
Everything is a season. There will be 100% sleepless nights for you (at least if you have twins)- this will not be forever. It may be MUCH longer than you’d like, but it will eventually end and you will get some sleep! Your baby may cry for what seems like ever… this will also end and change and something else will become the new normal!
Baby smiles ARE in fact the best thing. You work and you work and you work so hard keeping these babies alive and you wonder if they’re happy, but the only smiles you seem to get are accidental when they fart. Then one day just like that you smile at them and they smile back and you think holy shit… did he actually smile back at me?! Yes, yes he did and then your entire heart and everything around it will melt!2017-02-06_0005
Photo by the talented Jessica Dingledy Photography 
You will forget how bad things were when you were “in the trenches”. I’ve only been at this thing for about 3 months and I’ve already almost forgotten what it was like to be up all night for weeks on end (no really people, weeks. on. end. I literally fell asleep while talking – in person – to my mom one day, that’s how tired I was). What I’m remembering are the sweet baby snuggles that I got in the middle of the night, the bonding that happened while nursing and the late night conversations with my husband and family.
Time goes by slowly while you’re living it but fast overall. It’s time for me to go back to work. How did I get here? How did my boys who started at 4 lbs 1 oz and 5 lbs 10 oz get to be over double their size already? What is this crazy universe that I now live in?
 2017-02-06_0008Photo by the talented Jessica Dingledy Photography 
You MUST be gentle to yourself and your partner. By this I mean… your whole entire world just got the shit kicked out of it. It’s upside down, it’s topsy turvy, it’s opposites day from what you are used to! Give each other a break, don’t have serious arguments or fights when you are going on zero sleep- you’ll say things you don’t mean. You will probably be harder on yourself than anyone else.. don’t be. Look at the amazing thing you’ve done – you grew HUMANS. How crazy is that?! Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal physically and emotionally.
Lastly, one day, you will wonder how you EVER thought you wanted life to go back to the way it was before. While this life is hard, it’s totally worth it. You’ll find yourself dancing in your living room to Amos Lee, Flower, with one son, while the other one stares at you in wonder from his boppy and you’ll think there’s nothing better in this life than that feeling!
That’s what I’m going to leave you with. It’s a wild ride becoming a mom and going from just partners to also parents… and I’m just trying to embrace all the crazy that comes with it! -Abs
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